Double Water 2011

A new year.  A simple phrase that has in the past meant for me new beginnings, new aspirations and things I want to change about myself.

This is a double water year in the Dagara tradition so a year to make peace and communicate.  I start this year off understanding that I don’t want to change anything about myself or aspire to new things.  What I want for this new year is to be peaceful within myself.  Accept where I am and know I am responsible for all that has been created in my life.  And take pride in that even if there are places that remind me that I am a flawed human being.  I think I like being a flawed being.  It gives me great permission to be authentic and still grow and move in ways that perfection constrains me.I feel the movement that is created from standing still and waiting for the next move.  Like when I dance there is a rhythm that moves my body is a certain way and if I let myself be taken by this another move comes over me for me to notice and enjoy.  Like water my body knows how to move and what move is next.

The ending of last year gave me the opportunity to reflect as well as the support from friends and family.  The coming year will bring so much and I plan to float on the energy of it all no matter what comes and ENJOY MYSELF.  And enjoy all that surrounds me that I have worked so hard to create.

August 2010

Here I am in Florida having spent a month off the island.  My world shifting again as my father recovers from a right knee replacement.  He suffers dementia the first few days from the anesthesia they say.  I wonder what was ripped from his story in that right knee that he was not so sure he was ready to let go of? 

I sit and be as he struggles with his new body part his new way of being in his life his new way of being with his family.  How will I be now that my father shifts?  Some stories stay the same and some will remain  the same for now.  Ancestors how will you work in our families life?  What ritual as a family are we calling for now?  I will listen and do what I can. 

I sit an ponder my money or what seems to be lack there of.  What story am I telling myself about my work in the world all that has been created and set up for me that brings me so much joy.  I feel at home.  What area of my self can I reconnect as I wish others to come to Jamaica and reconnect parts of themselves.  I realize I am a steward of money.  I am not validated in my worth by it but rather it follows my acceptance of my worth.  My birthright to be worthy.  My old story of pouring out the conditioning of the patriarchy is one piece but deep in my bones there is gold I have not accepted and mined.  What am I waiting for. So simple believe in myself.

OK I surrender I am worthy.  Watch what happens now.

You Were Brave in That Holy War Hafiz

You have done well
In the contest of madness.
You were brave in that holy war.
You have all the honorable wounds
Of one who has tried to find love
Where the Beautiful Bird
Does not drink.
May I speak to you
Like we are close
And locked away together?
Once I found a stray kitten
And I used to soak my fingers
In warm milk;
It came to think I was five mothers
On one hand.
Wayfarer,
Why not rest your tired body?
Lean back and close your eyes.
Come morning
I will kneel by your side and feed you.
I will so gently
Spread open your mouth
And let you taste something of my
Sacred mind and life.
Surely
There is something wrong
With your ideas of
God

O, surely there is something wrong
With your ideas of
God
If you think
Our Beloved would not be so
Tender.

The Island

Oshun answered my prayers……..      Here I am on the island of Jamaica listening, smelling, seeing, hearing and touching her.  The paradoxes here are stunning.  The  way down into the well of my soul in a deeper way than before.  Engaging the erotic as my life force awakens in silent explosions.  The Island has much medicine for me.  I want others to receive as well.  The marriage of my great play and Her.  In the vibration of the not knowing what’s next I eat mangoes and enjoy the feeling of the juice running down my arm.  I laugh and cry at the same time.  How long I have been separate from myself.

The Peeling Back of my Awareness

I was sitting eating breakfast today and at a moment realized the thoughts running through my head.  I witness again how my conditioning was there in the background all of the time.  Oshun, sensuality, and the erotic life force that is my true nature is and has always been present for me and there is this other energy.  For years I made my conditioning the enemy.  This set up a polarized concept for my psyche.  

I know the feeling of my true nature so why is it that the focus becomes the other.  As I sat this morning I took just one minute to check in with myself.  I took three deep breaths and waited.  The temperature of the room was noticed, how the tea really tasted, the sound of the household wakening, and the smell of pancakes cooking.  Then …… as I waited and noticed……. joy began to rise and a big smile came upon my face.  Yes there were tasks to complete today but the thoughts concerning these tasks turned from being a heavy burden to just the list for the day.  

I tak about making this shift all of the time.  It is a very simple and difficult one, both, and.  Why????  I have so many answers to this considering the culture I live in but are these just more me pathologizing and giving more attention to that instead of allowing my true nature that of my being human to be at the forefront of my sensual experience of my life.  Oh how much time I have wasted and then ….. ahh so sweet to be aware now and that is all that matters.

Ritual

I have intentions, dreams that I want to manifest.  How do I magnify the mind to intend and eliminate the mind sabotaging the belief that all will come to be?  I remember the ritual.  Engage my body with the mind.  Let my body become a part of all that is.  Dance with the Earth and all the dimensions.  That is magnitizing.  My longing is it mine?  My ancestor’s? Or the collective in harmony with my dream?  Ritual brings all of these questions together for me and all that is left is the knowing that I had a big conversation with so many and in that way my dream will come about.  My body is my friend.  My body knows how to speak the language of Ritual.

Always Oshun

The moon is waning and the energy of my discomfort as well.  I am brought back to what is happening in life and how am I participating.  What do I want? Is it really such a Secret to me?  There are so many concepts that are out there in the community right now about manifesting our dreams with clear intention.  My head understands all of that and sometimes makes it hurt.  Oshun is always there smiling at those times.  Brings me home.  Home within myself.  My dreams live in my heart and body as well as my mind so what does that intention look like?  My dream is right here when I dance.  I can really feel my body filled with the energy.  When I create food to satisfy hunger or when I see an amazing piece of cloth my dream is right beside me.  I can’t magnify the intention of my dream with just my mind.  I must tend to my senses then I feel the intention light up.  It is then that the dream can come from behind the veil with my body shimmering and I can dance in the sense if it.

The Thinning Veil

As Sawhain approaches I am sitting with a mixture of energies.  There is so much to celebrate in the new stories being unveiled now and yet sometimes I still feel the old stuck to me.  So as the full moon approaches on this Halloween I am hoping to see down the road that is sprinkled with star dust and all the old that is trying to stick to me be melted.  When I pay attention to what is unfolding instead of what has been then the blessings of the future are very brilliant.  I know that living really living life has many experiences and not all will feel comfortable.  My body holds patterns of old experiences and when the shift happens sometimes it hurts.  My head hurts.

Can I Play?

I want to play but seems I have forgotten to make the time to play.  Is play something to be scheduled?  That is a shame since I don’t have the ………….  Here it is again.  I am so far away from myself that I have told myself that play will take up time that I don’t have. 

To quote Answers.com  Play,  “Spontaneous, childlike physical activity producing immediate pleasure. There is no goal other than sheer enjoyment. Play involves some rules which are freely accepted by participants. Feelings of exhilaration and tension often accompany play, with mirth and relaxation following. Although it appears to be an unnecessary activity with no material purpose, sociologists and psychologists believe that play is a necessary part of physical development, learning, social behaviour, and personality development.”

Oh no, rules for an unnecessary activity that is necessary for my development.  Sounds so serious.

Playfulness, “The state of being full of high-spirited fun”  That feels better.  A state of being.  Now that is what I am seeking.  To be in the state of playfulness at all times, Flirt with life.  Have Oshun embodied all day everyday.  I am playful I remember that feeling.  It will take a bit of attention but like riding a bike I am remembering how I excel at playfulness.  Then everything I do is play and there is no need to consider having the time.   I am playful.

The Heart

As the upper and lower parts of myself commune the heart has the clear voice.  I realize that so many of my longings in my life were not the ones written on the wall of my heart from when I was born.  I have lied to myself.  I have longed for people and experiences personally and professionally that have been attached to another’s desire.  It is conditioned in me so deeply that I was not aware of what I had done for so long.  As I settle into a human being rather than a human doing it becomes more clear.  My heart wants a few things not too many but they are big and important to me.  Only me.  I have denied myself and not been selfish.  I want to really pay attention to me and my heart.  It is then that I can truly effect change in the world and be of service.  No more being tangled up unaware.