The Peeling Back of my Awareness

I was sitting eating breakfast today and at a moment realized the thoughts running through my head.  I witness again how my conditioning was there in the background all of the time.  Oshun, sensuality, and the erotic life force that is my true nature is and has always been present for me and there is this other energy.  For years I made my conditioning the enemy.  This set up a polarized concept for my psyche.  

I know the feeling of my true nature so why is it that the focus becomes the other.  As I sat this morning I took just one minute to check in with myself.  I took three deep breaths and waited.  The temperature of the room was noticed, how the tea really tasted, the sound of the household wakening, and the smell of pancakes cooking.  Then …… as I waited and noticed……. joy began to rise and a big smile came upon my face.  Yes there were tasks to complete today but the thoughts concerning these tasks turned from being a heavy burden to just the list for the day.  

I tak about making this shift all of the time.  It is a very simple and difficult one, both, and.  Why????  I have so many answers to this considering the culture I live in but are these just more me pathologizing and giving more attention to that instead of allowing my true nature that of my being human to be at the forefront of my sensual experience of my life.  Oh how much time I have wasted and then ….. ahh so sweet to be aware now and that is all that matters.

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Always Oshun

The moon is waning and the energy of my discomfort as well.  I am brought back to what is happening in life and how am I participating.  What do I want? Is it really such a Secret to me?  There are so many concepts that are out there in the community right now about manifesting our dreams with clear intention.  My head understands all of that and sometimes makes it hurt.  Oshun is always there smiling at those times.  Brings me home.  Home within myself.  My dreams live in my heart and body as well as my mind so what does that intention look like?  My dream is right here when I dance.  I can really feel my body filled with the energy.  When I create food to satisfy hunger or when I see an amazing piece of cloth my dream is right beside me.  I can’t magnify the intention of my dream with just my mind.  I must tend to my senses then I feel the intention light up.  It is then that the dream can come from behind the veil with my body shimmering and I can dance in the sense if it.

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The Thinning Veil

As Sawhain approaches I am sitting with a mixture of energies.  There is so much to celebrate in the new stories being unveiled now and yet sometimes I still feel the old stuck to me.  So as the full moon approaches on this Halloween I am hoping to see down the road that is sprinkled with star dust and all the old that is trying to stick to me be melted.  When I pay attention to what is unfolding instead of what has been then the blessings of the future are very brilliant.  I know that living really living life has many experiences and not all will feel comfortable.  My body holds patterns of old experiences and when the shift happens sometimes it hurts.  My head hurts.

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Can I Play?

I want to play but seems I have forgotten to make the time to play.  Is play something to be scheduled?  That is a shame since I don’t have the ………….  Here it is again.  I am so far away from myself that I have told myself that play will take up time that I don’t have. 

To quote Answers.com  Play,  “Spontaneous, childlike physical activity producing immediate pleasure. There is no goal other than sheer enjoyment. Play involves some rules which are freely accepted by participants. Feelings of exhilaration and tension often accompany play, with mirth and relaxation following. Although it appears to be an unnecessary activity with no material purpose, sociologists and psychologists believe that play is a necessary part of physical development, learning, social behaviour, and personality development.”

Oh no, rules for an unnecessary activity that is necessary for my development.  Sounds so serious.

Playfulness, “The state of being full of high-spirited fun”  That feels better.  A state of being.  Now that is what I am seeking.  To be in the state of playfulness at all times, Flirt with life.  Have Oshun embodied all day everyday.  I am playful I remember that feeling.  It will take a bit of attention but like riding a bike I am remembering how I excel at playfulness.  Then everything I do is play and there is no need to consider having the time.   I am playful.

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The Heart

As the upper and lower parts of myself commune the heart has the clear voice.  I realize that so many of my longings in my life were not the ones written on the wall of my heart from when I was born.  I have lied to myself.  I have longed for people and experiences personally and professionally that have been attached to another’s desire.  It is conditioned in me so deeply that I was not aware of what I had done for so long.  As I settle into a human being rather than a human doing it becomes more clear.  My heart wants a few things not too many but they are big and important to me.  Only me.  I have denied myself and not been selfish.  I want to really pay attention to me and my heart.  It is then that I can truly effect change in the world and be of service.  No more being tangled up unaware.

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Having Sense

Making love to everything all day every day…….   Is that something else to put on the list to do?  Most of my life I would have felt tired just thinking about making love to everything all day.  Wow, “can any more be asked of me?” is what would have echoed in my head.  My life as a good woman, pour out, pour out, find more to pour out.  No wonder I was cranky.  No wonder my adrenals were screaming they only have so much to give why do I think my resource is unlimited?  That’s because it is but that took time to come into relationship with.

My resource as a woman is unlimited but not if I don’t stop to take the time to fill up.  Yeah that concept was lost on me the perfect female that I was striving to be.  Oshun however had other plans for me.  The gifts she brings to remind me of who I really am and not the conditioning that I wrapped around me like a warm fuzzy fur coat.  The coat got too hot and I took it off.  Not hung up yet.   Now I am ready to give it to Good Will.  The way the air feels on my skin is now all I want and I will let nothing get in the way of that. 

Time to restore refill rejuvenate.  Oshun is always watching to check me.  I have surrendered to her and am filling.  Senses are heightening takes me off balance but what a ride I have begun to remember…………

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Ponderings

Oshun’s River……. I spent a long time yesterday looking at images of the Oshun River in Nigeria.  I was swept away by the work of Susan Wenger who gave her life to be in relationship with Oshun and the Sacred Grove of Oshun.  Being inspired I ask, “How is Oshun working in my life?”  During the last numbers of years there has been so much conversation and action in the realm of the Goddess but have we embodied her?  The Earth is evolving to a place where we are called to bring back the sensual and the sacred.  I am so done with talking about the ways we have strayed from the feminine.  If I look around at what is outside of me there is the feminine all around.  That is what draws me to the essence of Oshun.  My feeling about her message is to remember the sensual parts of life.  How could I do violence to myself or another if all of my senses are connected? I might experience pain from this place but not violence and suffering.   When I connect with my senses there is no place to go but within the experience from a place of awareness.  All things become sacred and I make love to everything in my life. 

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